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And we all go tumbling down

June 18, 2009

Beta came back at 196.  I am crawling underneath my rock.  Not sure when I will come out. 

I had to rally tonight for a girls night out.  I kept it a secret all night until someone asked how the baby thing was going and I literally “lost it” at the table.  Thank God it was at a friends house.  They were kind and understanding and asked if I needed to not talk about it and if we should change the subject.  Debbie was there… I cried.  She was the strong one and answered the questions for me while I shed the tears that had once been the hope of my soul.

Posted in Project Baby |

45 comments

  1. Tracey, I am sending all my love your way. I am just so sorry. Hugs.

         by Staciet June 18, 2009 at 9:56 pm

  2. I am so sorry. You guys will be in my thoughts…

         by Cheryl June 18, 2009 at 10:04 pm

  3. Fuck. Tracey I’m so sorry.

         by Michell June 18, 2009 at 11:39 pm

  4. Oh, I am so sorry. Words are beyond me. This is just so unfair. Thinking of you.

         by Billy June 18, 2009 at 11:46 pm

  5. No! I’m soooo sorry sweetie. Sooooo unfair.

         by twondra June 19, 2009 at 3:38 am

  6. No, No No! I’m so sorry. Fuck. This sucks. I am shocked. So sorry Tracey.

         by MeAndBaby June 19, 2009 at 5:00 am

  7. Shocked and stunned too. I am so very sorry, honey. Hugs and love.

         by onemorebaby June 19, 2009 at 5:15 am

  8. So sorry the news wasn’t better. Hugs.

         by Queenie June 19, 2009 at 5:41 am

  9. Aww man, I am so sorry this is happening. Take care both of you

         by Deb June 19, 2009 at 5:56 am

  10. I’m so sorry.

         by Megan June 19, 2009 at 6:03 am

  11. Tracey and Deb: my heart goes out to you.

         by Becca June 19, 2009 at 6:29 am

  12. Ugh, I just can’t believe this is happening. You’ve been through so much and it just needs to get better, to let you be done.

         by chicklet June 19, 2009 at 6:41 am

  13. T & D, I wish this road we travel wasn’t so rough. My heart goes out to you both. Don’t give up. You are almost there…I will be praying for you both. Sending hugs and love your way.

         by Deena June 19, 2009 at 6:47 am

  14. In tears for you. This sucks beyond words. Love to you both.

         by Cora June 19, 2009 at 6:50 am

  15. I’m so sorry. The universe makes no fucking sense.

         by Alison June 19, 2009 at 6:57 am

  16. sending loving thoughts… i’ve been in a similar place and there are no words… so very sorry…

         by Michele June 19, 2009 at 7:15 am

  17. Tracey,

    You are not only my sister but my bestest friend. We have traveled down this road for a long time but I know we will reach a destination. I cannot say when we will get there or what waits for us when we do arrive but what I can guarantee you is I will be there for you (and all of blogland). You asked me if you cannot have children then what are you doing here? I have an answer for you, you make my life a million times better, you make my children’s lives complete and you make other smile and laugh. Whether you know it or not, you do make a difference in people’s lives. This so called life is unfair when we look at it and see people having babies that shouldn’t and people not having babies that should. It sucks, plain and simple and we can compare and envy all we want and be sad and crawl under or rock OR we can kick this thing in the ass and knock it out of the park. So what do you say, lets shoot for month 3!

    Love you too much~

    Debbie

         by thatcrazygirl June 19, 2009 at 7:22 am

  18. Ughhhh that sucks. You and Debbie are in our prayers. I hope your healing starts, soon. You will get through this.

         by Joy June 19, 2009 at 7:25 am

  19. oh tracey, i’m so sorry. so, so sorry.

    love from here.

         by kirsten June 19, 2009 at 8:20 am

  20. All my love to you. Many hugs.

         by Jen June 19, 2009 at 8:26 am

  21. Tracey,

    I had no idea about this when I commented on FB this morning. I love you both, and am devastated by this news. Wish I could hug you both..love you.

    B

         by b June 19, 2009 at 8:26 am

  22. I’m so sorry. It’s just not fair.
    Hugs for you and D

         by Meg June 19, 2009 at 8:39 am

  23. I’m utterly utterly devestated. And angered beyond words; life can be so very unfair. I don’t understand it and it really challenges my faith. Tracey, I wish you the strength to go on and I know oh-so-well that lingering question (If I don’t have kids, then why am I here???) because I have asked myself that same question so many times. I don’t have an answer but BLESS your sister’s sweet heart for saying what she did to you a few comments ahead of me because they were the kindest and truest words ever.

    Deb, you are a sister of the truest kind and bless your heart a million times for being Tracey’s unwavering guardian through this heartbreaking journey. It’s so very heart-breaking and so many others would have faded away by now because (from what I’ve been told) witnessing it can be almost as painful as living it.

    Tracey, I don’t know what is next for you. But I do know that YOU and your life, as it is now, has meaning that is greater than you can even fathom. You are a beacon of inspiration and you touch many people’s life. Your tenacity and committment to this journey is a lesson for others and a comfort and encouragement for those of us who are also walking this horrific path. You are a treasure to all of us and you will survive this.

    Please know that I am here for you. Reach out when/if you can. I feel your pain as keenly as I feel my own and I want to help in any way I can.

    I wish you and Deb healing and peace.

    Stacy

         by Manifest Destiny June 19, 2009 at 8:49 am

  24. Oh Tracy. My heart is breaking for you – for all of you. I was so sure this was it – so sure.

    Please be gentle with yourself and let us know how you are doing.

    I am very, very sorry. I wish I could do something to help.

         by Kami June 19, 2009 at 9:35 am

  25. Oh hun…I am so VERY sorry. I know there is nothing I can say right now to make you feel better. Just know that there are many of us out in blogland thinking about you.

    ((HUGS))

         by noswimmers June 19, 2009 at 9:36 am

  26. So very, very sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.

         by sunflowerchilde June 19, 2009 at 9:45 am

  27. Here from LFCA – So sorry to hear this news. Take care of yourself and know many people are thinking of you.

         by Deborah June 19, 2009 at 10:26 am

  28. oh honey. My heart is just breaking for you. Beaming you lots and lots of love and holding you in the light.
    xoxo

         by Calliope June 19, 2009 at 10:32 am

  29. All my love.

         by heidi June 19, 2009 at 12:46 pm

  30. oh no! how can that be? is there any chance there’s a vanishing twin? just trying to hold out some hope for y’all…

    sending many hugs your way.
    g

         by indigoscot June 19, 2009 at 2:36 pm

  31. Oh, Tracey! I am so sorry! I was really hoping for you! How heartbreaking. You have been through so much. It really is time for you to catch your break. I’m so sorry.

         by Lindsey June 19, 2009 at 4:43 pm

  32. Tracy, there are no words! I just read your sisters comment….you two are strong and make such a great team! You both are in my thoughts and prayers tonight!

    With love,
    Micki & Annie

         by micki June 19, 2009 at 5:53 pm

  33. Thinking of you and crawling under your rock to hug you tightly.

         by Heather Beth June 19, 2009 at 5:56 pm

  34. Oh Honey,
    I am so devastated to hear this news. I wish there was someway I could dry those tears. Just know that you are loved. You are a wonderful, amazing person and you and Debbie will be in our prayers. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

    Sending the biggest hugs your way!

    kari

         by Kari June 20, 2009 at 7:32 am

  35. Oh my Gosh – I can’t believe it. The first beta was so good, I wouldn’t have thought it would drop. Crap. I’m very sorry.

         by genkicat June 20, 2009 at 8:16 am

  36. Here from LFCA…

    I’m so sorry for both of you. Take care.

         by babysmiling June 20, 2009 at 2:21 pm

  37. Oh, damn! I’m so sorry. This just sucks.

         by Dora June 20, 2009 at 5:18 pm

  38. I have been following along (although not commenting) for the last few weeks. I have also been following ESPECIALLY closely the last few days but it is REALLY hard to comment on my Crackberry. So I seem like a real late-to-the-party jerk. I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry for this m/c. So so SO sorry. I wish I could say or do something, anything to make it better. But I got nothin’ ‘cept cyber ((HUGS)).

         by Me June 20, 2009 at 9:37 pm

  39. My heart goes out to you and your sister.

         by Jo June 21, 2009 at 9:53 am

  40. Didn’t know this was going on babe, so sorry for both you and Deb. I know you, you are strong and when you are ready you will bounce back and fight another day. My thoughts are with you x

         by Bee Cee June 22, 2009 at 8:41 am

  41. You know I love both you and Deb. We have been talking through this but wanted to comment on here as well. I am still holding out some hope for you and hoping this all turns out okay. If not like Deb said, we will get through this and move on to the third month!!!

         by meg June 22, 2009 at 12:19 pm

  42. I’m so sorry. I’m holding you in my thoughts.

         by Sarah June 24, 2009 at 7:07 pm

  43. I’m so sorry.

         by tbean June 26, 2009 at 9:14 am

  44. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I think about you every day. I wish I could offer something that might help.

         by Kami June 30, 2009 at 12:22 pm

  45. So fucking unfair. I am so sorry.

         by Frenchie July 2, 2009 at 7:41 am

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