Back to Square One

I don’t quite know how or where to start.  Guess I will start where I left off at “quiet”.

In my last post I went quiet because I hoped that by doing so I wouldn’t jinx myself.  How foolish of me to think that I had some sort of control over everything.  On this last cycle, Debbie tested on Friday, 14dpo.. she said it was blank.  No pink lines and she didn’t understand because she felt odd.   We figured her period would start the next day.  Sat and Sunday passed and still no period and Debbie still was not feeling right.  Then on Monday she stillhad no period.  So we tested at work and there was a line.  Not dark but there.  For 17dpo your gut says it should be much darker than that.  But hope always speaks louder than your gut.  The days passed and that line got darker and my hopes went up.  It was decided that no beta would be done.. we would play the naive fertile game.  You know the one where you POAS, get a positive and 9 months later a baby arrives to light up your life.  I guess I also thought my secretiveness would somehow prevent any heartache if the shoe dropped.  That somehow, I would sneak by unnoticed and get a happy ending…. the ending I have been searching for over the last 3 years.  I also thought the odds were in my favor; because seriously, could my bad luck be that bad???  I hoped it would all work out and that at 6 weeks I would pop back on and show you an ultrasound of a growing embryo.  A week went by and the following Monday at 4:30pm Debbie started spotting…. The bad luck found me and now it was bringing my sister into my hell. 

That night I cried.  A lot.  Over the following days I did a lot of soul searching.  I realized that I couldn’t do this to my sister anymore.  The pain of losing another pregnancy hurts her too; emotionally, mentally and physically.  I am not quite sure why I have this bad karma chasing me… I’m a good person.  I have broken a few rules in my life, but nothing to hurt anyone.  I have never been arrested, I have never stolen (I mean really, does the $40 I stole out of my dads money stash when I was 14 years old so I could by a Madonna T Shirt at her concert count that much????)

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom.  At 35 years old there is nothing I want more than that.  My heart cannot take another failure.  I feel like another failure will break me for sure.  I want to heal.  I want to get somewhere.  Emotionally I am drained.  Financially I am dry.  I can’t afford to keep pouring money into a possibility.  The past 3 years have been very hard for me.  But somehow, after each failure I found strength to keep going.  I never lost hope that I would be a mother.  I still believe that I will be a mother.  I still have hope that there is a happy ending out there for me.  In February 2006 when my journey started (I didn’t start my blog until July 2006) I had a plan to journey towards motherhood via International Adoption.  In March I got off that track after a friend suggested I TTC via artificial insemination.  I took her suggestion thinking it would be easier (and cheaper).  Guess it wasn’t.  Over the years my goal has always been motherhood.  I used to think I was “addicted” to TTC.  Sometimes family members even told me that they thought I was.  But I realized this week that I wasn’t addicted to anything.  In actuality, HOPE is what kept me trying.. I always had HOPE that the odds shift and I would win. 

I still plan on winning.  No way I am giving up on my dream.  But after much thought and a lot of soul searching I have decided I am going back to where I started.  International Adoption.  I don’t think it will be easy.  I know it will not be cheap.  So I have decided to give up my Saturday class and get a 2nd job.  I also started a website in hopes of maybe taking portraits on the side for extra money.  ( I have take the link to the website out in order to prevent a search and some person finds this as a match to their search for my website.  If you want or need it for some reason, leave me a comment and I will give it to ya)   Anyway, I am not going to let something like the money aspect stand in my way.  If I have to work 20 more hours a week, I will.  If I have to spend the hours after my second job editing and uploading pictures I will.  If I could do a fundraiser I would … I don’t even know how to begin that one. 

So, I am researching and researching.  If anyone has a book recommendation or blog suggestions.. PLEASE leave a comment.  It would be much appreciated.  Thank you guys so much for always being there to hug me and hold me up.

It’s quiet

Nothing to say right now… I’m okay.  I don’t want anyone worrying so I thought I would just post this really quick.  I know you all know how it is.. That is me tonight.  Maybe in a day or two it will be different.  I am asking for one thing.  Keep me in your thoughts until the words find me…..  pretty please.

Only time will tell now

So, she POAS this morning and it was still dark but a for sure lighter than yesterdays…  I dunno.  I know each test is different and yada yada yada. 

Now all we can do is just wait it out to see if they get lighter and then we know it was just trigger and Deb is the one in 9 hundred million bajillion that metabolises HCG slowly…  Good Grief…  Suckage.  Tick Tock Tick Tock.

The downward spiral of IUI #2

Honestly, I am not even upset.  I am ready for the two weeks to pass so we can get to number 3.  Here is the story for posterity…..

Last night we headed to Dr. T’s office.  We met her there at 7:30.  I have to say, that it was pretty awesome of her to come in after hours and if it would have meant being there at 11pm… she would have.  For that I am SUPER lucky and grateful.  I am also grateful for her sweet caring disposition and desire to really make this work for us.

Now, when we got there and got back to the room, she had put the tank in there earlier we noticed it was different than the one we saw on Sat and Sun at the office.  She said that tank came today and it was then that we realized the tank that arrived on Thursday was an empty tank!  WTF??  So, it turned out to be a good thing we didn’t IUI on Sunday because it would not have happened since the tank that arrived Thursday was empty!

We talked about what we could do different next cycle.  We confirmed the meaning of “collapsed follicle” to mean “ovulated”.  Dr. T was receptive and eager to get things right and we are pretty much on the same page.  I know I have mentioned before that I know this isn’t the main focus of her practice.  And remember, finding a doc that would do a TS in this area is H.A.R.D.  So, I am willing to work with her and she us to get this right.

So, we prepped the vial and Dr T mulled over the paperwork and we let the sample thaw.  Now, last IUI she was like, this sample is old.. I thought.. huh??  Right here on the vial is says 02/20/2008.  In my mind, I ASSUMED (which one should never do) that the date on the vial was the date the sample was collected.  So I said, “one year is not old, I mean, it has to spend 6 months in quarantine anyway” we left it at that.

The sample thawed and she came in and prepped Debbie for what turned out to be a super uncomfortable IUI.  Debbie has a sneaky cervix and the doc has to use these clasp type scissors to grap and hold the cervix (wish I knew the name).  Anyway, needless to say, it didn’t look fun and I felt bad.  The IUI was done and the doc had her lay for 15 min and then asked us to hop over to the u/s room so she could do an abdominal U/S and see if the follies ruptured (which is hard to do with an abdominal U/S).  It looked like they had as there was some free fluid.  Debbie dressed and then the doc said, “you know, that sample was terrible” (I appreciated her honesty).  She said the last one was also.  She also said, you know, the sample was collected on 09/18/99.  I was like.. uh.. no way!  She showed me the paperwork.  She was right.  Then, there is that date of 02/20/2008 where it looks like it was tested or maybe reconstitued.  Bottom line, the sample had 20mil and 35% motility.  The vial from last month was similiar.  Now, if you knew how much I spent on this sperm you would be peepeeing your girlie pants with me.  I have 2  more vials.. I am thinking of selling them back and trying someone new at a good ol’ faithful AFFORDABLE cryobank I know of.  Two more vials like that would be a waste of money and cycles!

The visit was over and Dr. T was so nice and discounted her services and also said that I didn’t have to pay right then if I couldn’t.  I did though.  I had the money saved so why not.. otherwise something else will come up.. you know how that is, once you save money your car starts acting funny.

Overall, sucky cycle, but I just don’t have the head and heart to get frustrated or be sad about it.  I am focused on the end result…. CONGRATS Manifest Destiny and Awesome Baby Mama!!

36 hours past trigger and the TWW begins

So the appt was at 11am.  We got there at 10:45 and the dewar and me and Debbie went to the procedure room.  Kami asked about the procedure in opening the dewar.  So in case anyone else is interested, here it goes.  The dewar from FF Cryobank comes in a huge plastic container about twice the size of the dewar.  I opened that up and viola, the dewar was happily contained within.  Another zip tie keeps the lid secure on the dewar.  So I cut that off.  Then, the top of the dewar is pulled straight up.  Pretty soon, the smokey nitrogen escapes a bit and inside is a canister with a labeled straw.  The straw label has donor number and patient name on it.  Pull the straw up and the thaw process begins.  I then pulled the specimen from the straw and placed it on the counter.  I closed everything back up and then Debbie held onto the specimen and got acquainted with it   It is best to hold the specimen in your hand and get it to your body temperature. 

The doctor came in and was very interested in the dewar so I showed her and we reviewed the paperwork that included count and motility.  She then got the room ready and Debbie (the worlds most awesome fabulous sister) was prepped for the IUI.  Then, the deed was done and Debbie and I hung out for 10-15 minutes.  Now the TWW begins.  Oh joy…..

Two Down One To Go

Well, I have two sets of medical records on their way to the TS friendly doc.  Just need to request one more.  Honestly, I totally made to much of the work and effort behind requesting it.  It reminded me of the hesitation before pulling the material strip from your upper lip..  just do it and get it over with.. it ain’t so bad biotch! 

Besides that, I have been online visiting a chatroom for surrogates and IP’s.  I even checked in and lurked on an old chatroom.. though, the only people I recognized were in the “Beyond TTC” side of the room.  Amazing how life moves on and things change for the most part.. of course for me .. nada. 

I keep finding things to do and that really amazes me.  I am really coming out of hiding and it feels good.  Last night I went  to dinner with ,y friend Bonnie and her husband Simon.  I was going to go to the Comedy show on Sat, well it looks like those plans are changing a little bit.  Sunday I am going to meet up in Dublin for a get together of the local ladies in the surro chatroom.  I was hoping Debbie would come, but John and Ryan have been gone and I imagine that she will want to chilax with them… I feel comfy going by myself.  I may even stop off at the mall over there for fun..  because shoot, since I am over there might as well! 

So there is the weeks plans.  Oh and I have a massage on Friday.. CAN”T WAIT.  One More Thing.  Debbie is back to blogging, so if you want to check out the crazy happenings of her, click HERE.  What up Sis!?

Inneresting…

Most of my fellow IF sisters will agree that this story hits a nerve with us. 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090131/ap_on_re_us/octuplets_10

I have tons to say about this story.  It pisses me off to no end.  The whole things is CRAZY.  But now, reading that this was more than likely a result of a FET.  I am over the fucking top.  What doctor would okay the transfer of this many embryos to a woman who already has 6 kids at home?  I know that I have exactly ZERO kids at home and when I had my FET in August with 8 year old embryos.. they docs were like.. NO WAY .. you may not transfer more than 3.  So, WHY THE FUCK did they transfer at LEAST 8 embryos?  Where does this lady get the $$ for this intervention.  Especially if ALL of these children are a result of IVF??  I know how much money I have spent on IF treatments and I don’t have 6 mouths to feed at the end of the day. 

I am in shock.  So much of this story doesn’t make sense.  And maybe it isn’t our right to know.  But I would like to know why the rules were bent for this women.  OK.. so her tubes are blocked.  But she clearly has no trouble carrying children.  So OK, she does have IF but no proven inability to carry a child to term.. so why transfer so many embryos??  I am not trying to be the Child Bearing police, but come on… the doctors should have known better.  They are whom I really blame in this situation. 

In the end, I hope each one of those babies survives and thrives to be wonderful healthy human beings.

One Year Ago Today

January 23rd 2008.  It is the second most hit post in my blog history.  It was a bad day.  It was the day that my Love Bug was no more.  It was the day that my sister wrote THAT post for me.  I still cry when I read that post. 

I’m not as sad as I thought I would be today.  I think the only reason for a hint of sadness in my heart tonight is that I found out my cousin is pregnant again.  Funny thing.. I had a gut feeling she was (she is 15 weeks).  I don’t know how to describe how I knew.  She doesn’t live here and her and I don’t speak much.  But, there were little things in conversations we had and conversation she had with my sister (cuz you know Debbie tells me all the details), in emails she sent to the family and like I said..  just a feeling.  She was going to come to Ca next weekend to announce it to everyone.  I knew there was a reason behind her possible trip.  She isn’t coming now because she is too tired.  I’m glad.. I don’t think I could of put on a “happy face” for her during her announcement.  Not because I am not happy for her, but because I am more sad for me.  Totally selfish I know.  Instead she is going down the list and calling the family tonight.  She called me at 4:30..  I didn’t answer.  Debbie had already heads-up’d me on the news.  Partly because she knew that she telling me would be better than me answering the phone and hearing M say it, and because she was laughing her ass off that I called it back at the beginning of December.  I actually called it on Thanksgiving. 

Anyway, enough about that.  Like I said before, I am doing good.  Project Baby had another slight delay.  Debbie went in last Friday for a physical and IUD removal.  Well, insurance doesnt allow both in one visit.  The physical was more important so she had that, on Monday the 26th she goes in for the IUD removal.  THANK GAWD!!

Oh.. on another note, last week I took a trip to see the Franklins.  I had a blast!  It was a fun trip and I could of stayed another week.  Marcy and Kristy were awesome and the best hostesses a guest could ask for!  I felt like I was hanging at my sisters house.  Totally comfortable and at home.  Thanks again you two for having me!  Can I just say that their son Austin is a SWEETHEART!!  OMG…  he is sucha  good baby and so happy and I miss his little gummy smile    

Well, that is the latest.. I know, totally boring.  Soon as that IUD comes out and Project Baby is IN EFFECT, I promise things will livin up ’round here!

PMS and MEMORIES

Tonight has not been a good nite.  Most of today actually has been hard.  I woke up feeling icky.. The feeling was perpetuated by reading a post on a chatroom… 

I feel sad .. sad because a year ago I was so happy and so complete.  I was on my way to being a mother.  I was THIS close to graduating from my RE.. I think I actually graduated on Jan 16th.  That day I saw the wonderful heartbeat of my Love Bug.  Today I sit alone in my house.  It is quiet and lonely.  I long to hear the cries of a baby waiting for a bottle.  I long to have laundry piled up that must get done by the weekend.  I long to be busy and sleep deprived. 

I know the feeling will pass.  It is just hard sometimes.  Today being one of those times.  I am full of tears.  Tears that I thought I was done crying.  Apparently not.  I want to be a mom so bad.  I just don’t get all the heartache that it takes to get there. Tonight I will cry myself to sleep and dream of babies.  I have dreamt of babies the past weeks.  I can’t stop.  They are intense baby dreams.. like Progesterone filled dreams.  I will savor them.. at this point they are all I have of babies in my life.  In my dreams I can smell them.. I can imagine their cries and soft skin.  In my dreams I shower them with my love.  Maybe one day those dreams will be a reality.

10 Things About Me

I was tagged by Kari over at Mothering My Multiples.  OK Kari.. I dug deep for these!

1.  I really really really think men with a British accent are sexy.  Just something about certain words that they say get me all giddy inside.  “Naughty” being my most favorite!

2.  February 3rd, 2006 is when I decided to have a baby.  My first thought was to adopt from Russia or the Ukraine.  I had done all my research and was ready to begin the process of home studies, etc.  In March after talking with my BFF and my sister, I was convined to try to have my own baby through IUI.  If I had it to do all over again, I would never have strayed from the adoption course.  The only catch 22 on that is that I wouldnt have many of the dear friends I have today that I couldn’t imagine my life without them.   But I cant help but think maybe I would be a mom today and not so broke or heartbroken with all the loss …

3.  I hate cardboard tampon applicators. 

4.  I am over the top addicted to the Twilight series.  I have read book 4 going on 3 times and book 2 twice.  I really loved the movie.  And in my opinion, Edward and Rob*ert Pa*ttinson are two totally different men.  And of course I like them both.. refer to item #1 on my list.

5.  I never ate a piece of pie until I was 27 years old.  I always thought pies looked gross.  My boyfriends mother was a gardener and grew her own fruit and always made homemade pie.  So, one night we were there for dinner.  Raspberry Pie was for dessert.  I didn’t want to be rude, so I took the piece that I was given.  I tried it and LOVED it.  From then on …  Raspberry Pie is one of my favorites.  I wish I still didn’t like it (hahah)

6.  I started going gray when I was in High School.  Not just a little bit… A LOT.  If I didn’t dye my hair every 4-5 weeks, I would have a FULL head of gray hair.  No joke and not exaggerating.  I even found my first gray eyebrow the other day… 

7.  I have always wanted to learn how to play the guitar.  I think it would be fun to sit around and strum on it.  Whether it be singing with Ava and Ryan or to my baby (one day).  Or even just with myself on the couch with a glass of wine. 

8.  I have, at one point, long before TTC, contemplated suicide.  I was nearing the end of a very bad relationship.  It was toxic.  I was so sad and depressed and so beat down from him.  I didn’t think that I could live without him but living with him was a nightmare.  I didn’t want to live with failing at the relationship.. after committing all those years and convincing everyone in my family to like him.  On top of that, I had turned away some very nice and worthy suitors to try to make it work with this asshole.  One day I wrote a goodbye letter.  I never tried to kill myself .. but I thought about it. 

9.  Sometimes, even though I know I am totally capable of doing some “manly things”, like spraying for bugs, setting up the surround sound or hanging Christmas lights… I fake the damsel in distress and act like I just can’t so I can get some nice man (my brother in law or neighbor) to do it for me.

10.  Making someone smile.. is the best feeling to me in the world.  I love to see the joy that a gesture or gift brings to someone.