Back to Square One

I don’t quite know how or where to start.  Guess I will start where I left off at “quiet”.

In my last post I went quiet because I hoped that by doing so I wouldn’t jinx myself.  How foolish of me to think that I had some sort of control over everything.  On this last cycle, Debbie tested on Friday, 14dpo.. she said it was blank.  No pink lines and she didn’t understand because she felt odd.   We figured her period would start the next day.  Sat and Sunday passed and still no period and Debbie still was not feeling right.  Then on Monday she stillhad no period.  So we tested at work and there was a line.  Not dark but there.  For 17dpo your gut says it should be much darker than that.  But hope always speaks louder than your gut.  The days passed and that line got darker and my hopes went up.  It was decided that no beta would be done.. we would play the naive fertile game.  You know the one where you POAS, get a positive and 9 months later a baby arrives to light up your life.  I guess I also thought my secretiveness would somehow prevent any heartache if the shoe dropped.  That somehow, I would sneak by unnoticed and get a happy ending…. the ending I have been searching for over the last 3 years.  I also thought the odds were in my favor; because seriously, could my bad luck be that bad???  I hoped it would all work out and that at 6 weeks I would pop back on and show you an ultrasound of a growing embryo.  A week went by and the following Monday at 4:30pm Debbie started spotting…. The bad luck found me and now it was bringing my sister into my hell. 

That night I cried.  A lot.  Over the following days I did a lot of soul searching.  I realized that I couldn’t do this to my sister anymore.  The pain of losing another pregnancy hurts her too; emotionally, mentally and physically.  I am not quite sure why I have this bad karma chasing me… I’m a good person.  I have broken a few rules in my life, but nothing to hurt anyone.  I have never been arrested, I have never stolen (I mean really, does the $40 I stole out of my dads money stash when I was 14 years old so I could by a Madonna T Shirt at her concert count that much????)

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom.  At 35 years old there is nothing I want more than that.  My heart cannot take another failure.  I feel like another failure will break me for sure.  I want to heal.  I want to get somewhere.  Emotionally I am drained.  Financially I am dry.  I can’t afford to keep pouring money into a possibility.  The past 3 years have been very hard for me.  But somehow, after each failure I found strength to keep going.  I never lost hope that I would be a mother.  I still believe that I will be a mother.  I still have hope that there is a happy ending out there for me.  In February 2006 when my journey started (I didn’t start my blog until July 2006) I had a plan to journey towards motherhood via International Adoption.  In March I got off that track after a friend suggested I TTC via artificial insemination.  I took her suggestion thinking it would be easier (and cheaper).  Guess it wasn’t.  Over the years my goal has always been motherhood.  I used to think I was “addicted” to TTC.  Sometimes family members even told me that they thought I was.  But I realized this week that I wasn’t addicted to anything.  In actuality, HOPE is what kept me trying.. I always had HOPE that the odds shift and I would win. 

I still plan on winning.  No way I am giving up on my dream.  But after much thought and a lot of soul searching I have decided I am going back to where I started.  International Adoption.  I don’t think it will be easy.  I know it will not be cheap.  So I have decided to give up my Saturday class and get a 2nd job.  I also started a website in hopes of maybe taking portraits on the side for extra money.  ( I have take the link to the website out in order to prevent a search and some person finds this as a match to their search for my website.  If you want or need it for some reason, leave me a comment and I will give it to ya)   Anyway, I am not going to let something like the money aspect stand in my way.  If I have to work 20 more hours a week, I will.  If I have to spend the hours after my second job editing and uploading pictures I will.  If I could do a fundraiser I would … I don’t even know how to begin that one. 

So, I am researching and researching.  If anyone has a book recommendation or blog suggestions.. PLEASE leave a comment.  It would be much appreciated.  Thank you guys so much for always being there to hug me and hold me up.

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26 thoughts on “Back to Square One

  1. You are not just a good person, you are an amazing person. While my heart breaks for you, I also am filled with hope and love for your journey into adoption. It will happen for you and your child will be so lucky to call you mom.

  2. I am so sorry.
    I also got that addicted to TTC crap. I guess people who didn’t have to work hard to get their children don’t always understand.
    I wish you all the luck with adoption. And I totally agree with meandbaby – you are a wonderful woman, and your child will be so lucky and proud to have you as her/his mother!

  3. I think we end up with the kids we’re supposed to have. Why it’s so hard for some of us, I don’t know. But maybe the adoption effort will be easier (or, at least, a different kind of HARD). I hope you get there soon.

  4. You are one strong cookie! It is tough and I am happy for you that you will continue forward with your journey to motherhood! I wish you the best and hope the day arrive soon for you.

  5. I hate that this journey has been so long and so difficult. May the rest of the journey to your little one be smooth and easy and quick. Big, big hugs and lots of love.

  6. I’m so sorry your journey has been so painful. I hope that when you are holding your little one in your arms through adoption, it will all be worth it. Hang in there.

  7. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what else to say. Thinking of you and hoping that the next path comes easier. Hugs to you.

  8. I thought seriously about international adoption but decided to try with a domestic (government) adoption first and give that a year. Much like you I just wanted to be a mom. I do own a book on international adoption, however, I didn’t think it was worth recommending.

    Best of luck!

  9. When Kayla’s adoption came to us out of the blue we had not even close to the amount of money we needed. But we went ahead anyway hoping we could get by. I never believed in the words “God will provide” until we adopted Kayla. Somehow..someway..the funds grew. God provided. I mean he provided the amount we needed down to just $.60. I kid you not. I had yard sales, I made blankets, I made scrapbooks, I sold things on Ebay..if it was in the house and not needed, I sold it. We even sold Nick’s beloved car..and borrowed money from a family member.

    But we did it. And she is worth every red cent.

  10. Oh Tracy,I’m so sorry traditional surrogacy didn’t work out for you. I’m IUIs didn’t work. I’m sorry you’ve had to wait so damn long to get to where you are now, but I’m so glad you continue to have such hope. I, too, think you’ll have your happy ending in the end. I’ll be so glad to see it.

  11. As always T… you are amazing. I know you have been down when we have talked last week and I was wishing there was something I could do to make it better. But, I know the best thing I can do is just be a friend and listen. You know I am always here if you need me. Keep your chin up, I know this adoption thing will work out. I hope it goes as smooth and quickly as possible. I will be here every step of the way!

  12. I’m sorry it has been such a long and painful journey. But I am hopeful for you in your next journey and that it will be much shorter and with that much wanted end result.

    Thinking of you and your sister.

  13. I’m so sorry Tracey. I don’t understand why it’s such a tough road for you. I hope that the road to adoption is smooth and easy for you.

    I love your photography site. You can come visit and take our pics anytime.

  14. I don’t know what to say. I’m so very sorry about everything you (and Debbie) have gone through, and at the same time, happy and hopeful about your adoption. You’re so strong, and when your child comes home to you, he or she will be blessed with an awesome mom.

    As for resources, I’ve read Lee Varon’s “Adopting on Your Own” book, and I found it lean on info and very out of date. Her website (http://www.adoptingonyourown.com/) seems more current, and has some links that might be useful. I haven’t read Victoria Solsberry’s “Adoption for Singles” but it was recently published and might be useful. The reviews on Amazon are positive. (http://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Singles-2008-2009-Everything-Parenthood/dp/1441459448/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254837742&sr=8-2). I’ve seen karensadoptionlinks.com and adoption.state.gov recommended in my SMC group, several of whom have kids adopted internationally.

    I’ll pray that you find the financial and emotional resources to make your adoption process a smooth and easy one.

  15. Just popping in again to say that I am so friggin inspired by your strength and determination. Sometimes it feels as if we’re strong only because we have to be, but dammit you are one amazing lady and I am so priviledged to know you.

    xo

  16. You absolutely deserve to be a mother. You did nothing wrong and it is so not fair.

    I hope the international adoption goes smoothly. Best of luck on this journey and please keep us posted.

    In the meantime . . . I know a couple of people who may have embryos available for donation and you never know when someone might poke their head up with others. Should I pass along your blog to these people?

    Take care, Tracy. I continue to root for you.

  17. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say. “Sorry” seems inadequate. When I met you and D. here in Houston, you were both just such FUN and clearly had an amazing bond as sisters. When I read that she was going to be your surrogate, I thought, “well, of course” because it made sense, just based on the few hours I spent in the same room with you two. I hate that now m/c is haunting both of you. I hate that there’s still no take-home baby. I hate that money is such a factor in TTC.

    But I got nothin’ but love for you and D. May this new path bring you to the place you hope, pray, and know you will be.

  18. It’s got nothing to do with deserve – we all beat ourselves up about this – what did we do? Nothing. It’s not fair.

    You will be a great mom. You and your child(ren) will benefit from all those terrible experiences.

    (((HUGS)))

  19. I haven’t checked in in a long time but I’m so sorry to see that you’re still going through this. That you haven’t reached an end yet. I hope that somehow, by some great twist of fate, international adoption finds you that end quickly. Not because that’s the only way to do it, but because it’d be nice to see some good karma finally find its way back to you – for it to just be fabulous and fast and let you move forward finally:-)

  20. Oh, man. I haven’t checked in in awhile either, mostly because I can’t stand the heartbreak I feel for you when I hear things not working out. You were such a wonderful “blogger” friend during my ttc times and I wish with all of my heart that your dream will be achieved.

  21. As a single women who’s considered (and tried) adoption, and is now about to start the process of trying to conceive, I am so sorry for how difficult your journey has been. I wish you luck on your road to motherhood. I’m one of those people who believe that we somehow end up with the children we’re meant to be with, one way or another… I just wish the road were easier for all of us! My favorite blog on international adoption is called Inventing My Life. The link is:http://inventingliz.blogspot.com/. All the best to you!

  22. Tracey, this is awful. I’m just catching up and I apologize. Like some of the other commenters have said, I know your happy ending (your baby) will find you. But it sounds like a platitude and cliche. But as an adoptive mom I can tell you, when you hold your baby the journey will seem worth it.

    I am so sorry for your losses and disappointments, and for Debbie too.

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