I don’t quite know how or where to start. Guess I will start where I left off at “quiet”.
In my last post I went quiet because I hoped that by doing so I wouldn’t jinx myself. How foolish of me to think that I had some sort of control over everything. On this last cycle, Debbie tested on Friday, 14dpo.. she said it was blank. No pink lines and she didn’t understand because she felt odd. We figured her period would start the next day. Sat and Sunday passed and still no period and Debbie still was not feeling right. Then on Monday she stillhad no period. So we tested at work and there was a line. Not dark but there. For 17dpo your gut says it should be much darker than that. But hope always speaks louder than your gut. The days passed and that line got darker and my hopes went up. It was decided that no beta would be done.. we would play the naive fertile game. You know the one where you POAS, get a positive and 9 months later a baby arrives to light up your life. I guess I also thought my secretiveness would somehow prevent any heartache if the shoe dropped. That somehow, I would sneak by unnoticed and get a happy ending…. the ending I have been searching for over the last 3 years. I also thought the odds were in my favor; because seriously, could my bad luck be that bad??? I hoped it would all work out and that at 6 weeks I would pop back on and show you an ultrasound of a growing embryo. A week went by and the following Monday at 4:30pm Debbie started spotting…. The bad luck found me and now it was bringing my sister into my hell.
That night I cried. A lot. Over the following days I did a lot of soul searching. I realized that I couldn’t do this to my sister anymore. The pain of losing another pregnancy hurts her too; emotionally, mentally and physically. I am not quite sure why I have this bad karma chasing me… I’m a good person. I have broken a few rules in my life, but nothing to hurt anyone. I have never been arrested, I have never stolen (I mean really, does the $40 I stole out of my dads money stash when I was 14 years old so I could by a Madonna T Shirt at her concert count that much????)
Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom. At 35 years old there is nothing I want more than that. My heart cannot take another failure. I feel like another failure will break me for sure. I want to heal. I want to get somewhere. Emotionally I am drained. Financially I am dry. I can’t afford to keep pouring money into a possibility. The past 3 years have been very hard for me. But somehow, after each failure I found strength to keep going. I never lost hope that I would be a mother. I still believe that I will be a mother. I still have hope that there is a happy ending out there for me. In February 2006 when my journey started (I didn’t start my blog until July 2006) I had a plan to journey towards motherhood via International Adoption. In March I got off that track after a friend suggested I TTC via artificial insemination. I took her suggestion thinking it would be easier (and cheaper). Guess it wasn’t. Over the years my goal has always been motherhood. I used to think I was “addicted” to TTC. Sometimes family members even told me that they thought I was. But I realized this week that I wasn’t addicted to anything. In actuality, HOPE is what kept me trying.. I always had HOPE that the odds shift and I would win.
I still plan on winning. No way I am giving up on my dream. But after much thought and a lot of soul searching I have decided I am going back to where I started. International Adoption. I don’t think it will be easy. I know it will not be cheap. So I have decided to give up my Saturday class and get a 2nd job. I also started a website in hopes of maybe taking portraits on the side for extra money. ( I have take the link to the website out in order to prevent a search and some person finds this as a match to their search for my website. If you want or need it for some reason, leave me a comment and I will give it to ya) Anyway, I am not going to let something like the money aspect stand in my way. If I have to work 20 more hours a week, I will. If I have to spend the hours after my second job editing and uploading pictures I will. If I could do a fundraiser I would … I don’t even know how to begin that one.
So, I am researching and researching. If anyone has a book recommendation or blog suggestions.. PLEASE leave a comment. It would be much appreciated. Thank you guys so much for always being there to hug me and hold me up.