Four Years

July 26, 2006.  That was the day of my first blog entry.  That was roughly 2 weeks before my very first at home IUI.  Back when I thought making a baby would be as simple as a postive OPK stick and some frozen donor sperm.  FOUR years goes by fast…. and slow.

I don’t even know how to describe how it feels sitting here 4 years later.  I was filled with so much confidence at that time.  I was sure that it would all work out and that by the following summer, I would be a mother.  My worst nightmare was failure.  My worst nightmare came true many times over. Soon IVF was on the table and again, confidence builds.  The thought, “this IS going to work and I WILL be a mother” filled my head each morning as prepared the shots and administered them myself.  Then, once again, and again and again, I am hit with the reality that my success could be taken away much more quickly then it came and failure and sadness replaced the joy and happiness that had filled my heart moments before.  Oh .. then there was the surrogacy.  My sister… My angel… The best person I know and my best friend.  She volunteered her body and emotions for me… for my happiness.  Success was short-lived yet again and quickly replaced by failure.  Twice.  There was no way to continue placing my bad luck upon her and her family.  I wouldn’t do that to her.

So back to the original thought of International Adoption that filled my heart in February 2006.  I researched and researched some more.  I picked Kazakhstan and I found an agency that I love.  I work to get the paperwork gathered and BAM… the doors close temporarily.  I am pretty sure it is my bad luck that caused the hiccup for my fellow future Kaz Mama’s.  Sorry about that!  If only I would have had the money to start in November vs waiting til January…. I wouldn’t be here.. in limbo.  UGH… I know September was the the hopeful re-open date… but it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen.  Maybe another agency has heard different… If so feel free to share 🙂

I know the road to adoption is filled with lots of ups and downs (this being one of them).  I am used to the roller coaster to happiness.  And in all honesty, the temporary closure didn’t emotionally break me down.  It was frustrating more than anything and I feel like my bad luck brought it on.  I know that seems crazy but many times I think that.  My hope was to be in “the wait” over summer so it would go by quickly.  Well I am waiting.. just not in the way I thought I would be waiting.  I know that the wait is gonna be what it is gonna be no matter what.  None of this is in MY hands.  I do believe that God is the one in charge of this.  I do believe that God has always been there guiding me towards my child.  I do believe God knows best and will continue to give me the courage and the strength to make it through this wait and the journey ahead.  God is working to place me exactly where I have always been meant to be.  I may get frustrated at Him at times.. wondering why he didn’t speak to me louder so I didn’t spend money on treatments and surrogacy only to fail.  But then again.. He may have been screaming in my ear and I just wasn’t listening.

Four Years… I have learned a lot.  I have felt a lot.  I have met A LOT of amazing people.  I have made some AMAZING friends.  I have found courage in me that I didn’t know existed.  In small ways I have helped people.  In bigger ways I have helped myself become a better person.  For years some have you have followed along on this journey with me.  For that I am touched….. My official Blog-o-Versary is on July 26th.  But where are the rules that say I can’t start celebrating early??  Here is to 4 amazing years!!!!

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9 thoughts on “Four Years

  1. Hi Tracy,

    I have never posted, but read your Blog all the time. Reading this today, brought back so may memories. I went through 4 years of TTC and ended up doing 8 Doctor Assisted IUI’s, 2 Home AI’s and 4 IVF’s and 21 embryos later (last cycle) it worked and I gave birth to Rylee 3 days before I turned 44. I too thought it would never happen, but it finally did so, please don’t ever give up hope. You are a amazing stong women and I feel deep down that you will have your baby soon. Thanks for your wonderful Blogs!!

    Kim

  2. Tracey,

    It was hard to read this post because I know how hard the last 4 years have been for you. I’ve watched you go through it, and have watched you maintain your dignity, compassion, and sense of humor. I really hope that this wait will be short, and that your baby will be in your arms as quickly as possible. We love you girl, and are hoping for big, wonderful things for you.

  3. Awww, what a great post sweetie! Love it. I’ve continued to follow you through all your ups and downs and will follow until you finally have your baby you so richly deserve. (((HUGS)))

  4. Happy early anniversary honey. Have a listen to Whiney Houston’s song “I didn’t know my own strength”……it helped me get through, hope it resonates with you. Xx

  5. Cant wait to see what the next 4 years will be like for you. Your bad luck WILL run out, just like ours did. Love you Tracey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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