This past week, my ability to be honest has been on the forefront.  I am not even sure how to start so I guess I will start with a few weeks ago.  My sister calls me and tell me cousin M is pregnant.  Like 12 weeks pregnant.  Cousin M lives in Texas.  Cousin M is worried how I will react.  I am not super close to her.  We talk only on holidays and occasionally text (1 or 2 times a year).  I know she was trying to get PG so I am not surprised by the pregnancy.  She is a stay at home mom with two boys.  I know she wants that girl and again, she has been trying, so no surprise at the pregnancy.  And, when one has intercourse unprotected throughout the month, in a normal world, one will get pregnant.  So, Cousin M is pregnant.  Congrats.

Fast forward to last Wednesday.  Debbie and I share an office at work.  In the mornings we sit and talk.  We are bs’ing at our desks and then I look at her and say, “Why do you look like you have something to tell me?”, she says,, ‘Cuz I do”.  I then respond with, “your pregnant”.  She starts crying and says “yes”.  Commence countdown (at Debbie’s end) for mental breakdown of nuclear proportions.  But that is not what happened.  You see, the last 6 months she has been “on the fence” about a 3rd child.  Which really means, we are not using any prevention.  Which translated means, we will be pregnant soon.  So, after she said “yes” I took breath and said.. not surprised.  And that is when my reaction surprised everyone, including my sister. 

I was VERY honest with my sister at what I was feeling.   I was not mad in any way.  Why would I be mad at someone for wanting to have a kid?  I was not hurt (another word maybe for mad?) because it is her right to make her family as big or small as she wants.  I was not jealous of her for being pregnant.  I actually was a little excited.  I am however jealous of the fact that she is pregnant at the same time as Cousin M.  Ridiculous right????  I know my sister and I are super close and nothing would get in the way of that.  Deb and I do everything together.  This however, is something we can not to together.  That makes me jealous.  I know it sounds weird, but it is true.  I can’t explain why it is.  It just is. 

I also was honest when I said the timing sucked.  Only because I have no idea when I will be leaving/coming back/going for court.  Would be home for the baby’s birth??  Additionally, it could have ramifications on my time off for bonding.  I wanted to take 8 weeks off from the office and work from home early morning/evening before kiddo wakes up.  My job is number crunching so I can pretty do this but someone needs to be in the office.  She says she will give up her time for me.  But these are worries, that we just can’t deal with until A) I get a referral and B) that referral pans out and I get a court date.  So, even though I am a worrier by nature, I am trying my best to put it out of my mind and know that in the end, my guess is my family and friends will rally together to make it work.  P.S.  If you know my sister or I on the Face*Book.  PLEASE do not post anything there regarding PG.  She does not want anyone there to know her status.  Thanks 🙂

So after we got thru the conversation and the honesty, she felt much better.  I still felt jealous.  But, its my own issue I need to deal with.  Apparently, she wasn’t the only one that thought I would lose it.  My mother did as well.  I spoke to her Wednesday night and all was well.  I think the majority of people thought I would lose it.  Or that my feelings would be hurt.  Maybe a year ago I would have, maybe even 6 months ago.  Today I am on this path towards my child.  I try not to look back in life.  I admit, some days I am guilty of dwelling on the past.  Some days I think all of the pain of the past years and wonder why it had to be.  But for the most part, I try very hard to focus on forward.  Because if I look back too much going forward becomes more difficult.  There are good things ahead and I will be darned if I miss out on them. 

The funny part of the above story.. On Monday last week I started a “new lifestyle” regarding my relationship with food (A DIET PEOPLE).  And well, Debbie was like, I hope I didn’t blow your diet and make you wanna eat bad…. hahahahhahahah..  Normally, I might have turned to food.  I mean food would understand the jealously.  Food would feel good.  But, I DID NOT FAULTER!  I kept right along with my routine.  Today is my weigh-in day.  I wonder how much I lost???  I hope SOMETHING.  We shall see soon 🙂

This weekend we spent painting my niece Ava’s room.  She wanted a mini-room makeover for her bday.  So we started.  We still have some work to do, but it will be a “Big Girl” room fit for a 7 year old by our deadline of April 26th!


7 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. I think the jealousy is the hardest part of this whole infertility crap…you so want to be happy for your loved ones, but you can’t completely ignore your own wants and needs. So, you fake it til you make it…you’ve made it. Your loved ones know that they can honest with you and you’ll be honest with them.

    I don’t blame you for worrying about the timing either, but you’ll figure it out. Somehow these things have got to work out for you…God, if I need to, I’ll come crunch number for you!!!!

    Good for you for not falling off the food wagon either! That’s really hard!

  2. It sounds like you handled this fabulously and that your mostly doing ok. I’m sure there may be times when things feel harder to deal with it than other times but being honest about it is great and knowing that you and Deb are close enough that you can be honest is even better.
    Tell her I said congratulations!

  3. Congrats, Auntie T! (and ditto on sending congrats to Deb–I will raise a margarita in her honor) I hope all the baby karma stays close to the family and that your referral comes SOON SOON SOON.

  4. Lots of hugs to you. This journey is so hard and I hate that you are still waiting for your little one to find you. I hope you get that referral soon!

  5. I adore you T…you are lady with maturity and grace. You and your sister are blessed to have each other. You ARE on your path to Motherhood & Debbie is on hers to enlarge her family. Both paths are simply amazing. Hugs and congrats also to Debbie!

  6. I wish it would hurry up for you too! BUT, i know that the wait must be because the right child is coming… and I want that for you too. I am so proud of you, and the strength and courage and grace that you have shown on this path. And again (broken record)… thank you for always being there for me, time and again. xxoo. (p.s. i am dusting the cobwebs off of my blog and getting back to it again)

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