Time Keeps Going By

Well the months keep ticking by.  I have been really busy with work and had a couple of shoots in April and more this month.  I even have the Wedding that I scheduled a year ago.  I am so excited for it because I really believe it is going to open doors for me.  I do believe I am creative enough to give clients what they want in that arena.  Partly because I am organized and creative but partly because I do think of weddings as stories and fairy tales and my mind is always thinking of creative shots that I just can not wait to capture.  I know if I do great job, more business in that market will come my way.  And Lord knows I need the money.  I also spoke with a woman who is a stylist at the salon that I get my hair done at.  She and her husband own a very successful photography business.  They are very talented.  She gave me some great insight and advice.  She also asked for my card because she says you never know when one of us can help the other…

May marks the month I had in my head for a referral to show up my way.  I have really tried to back off and wait patiently.  Some days I am better at doing that than others.  Some days I don’t understand why and how it can take so long as there are so many children that I know need a loving home.  But I also know that they are all not available which makes me sad and frustrated.  I have had a few mini meltdowns over the past few weeks.  You know when you just hit a wall.. when you feel like there must be a reason in your history that you don’t get the one thing you want the most.  I know good things are coming.  I do believe that.. I just wish I could peek ahead a few pages to get an idea of when.  Because really… I just want to get done with all of this limbo.  I try to stay positive and strong and sometimes, I even surprise myself when I manage to find patience.

In April my niece had her 7th birthday and of course a party!  She is just such a sweet girl.  She makes my heart smile.  She is a talented little artist and so creative.  Here is a pic of the birthday girl.

So as you know, my sister is PG.  She is about just about 11 weeks.  I realized I wasn’t as healed from my past as I may have thought.  Last Friday we were going to go up to Tahoe to my bosses cabin for the weekend.  Before we left, Debbie had a Dr appt.  We all tagged along since it would be easier to leave straight from there.  The doc said she was going to try to use the heartbeat monitor and see if we could hear it.  She said we may and we may not.  I opted to just wait in the waiting room since the room was going to be packed.  But, we squeezed in.  Doc came in and it was hard to hear but she could make the heartbeat out.  I couldn’t hear a thing as I was on the verge of barfing from nerves and tears were burning my eyes.  Afterward, I basically grabbed the kids and ran out as I needed air.  It was just too much for me.  It brought back too many bad memories for me.  I was surprised at myself.  Surprised at the tears and the anxiety it all brought to the surface.  I calmed down and was fine after that.  But I was still surprised at myself for being such a wimp.

Tahoe was fun and relaxing.  We played in the pool at the cabin and the hot tub.  We hiked and explored and had some serious laughs.  The kids say the darndest things.  Oh and the kid game Headbanz.  SO much fun!

Well, that is the latest.  Nothing great or exciting.  Bummer huh!  Hope everyone is enjoying spring!

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5 thoughts on “Time Keeps Going By

  1. Bah…the waiting must be killing you! I can completely understand all of the emotions that you went through at your sister’s appointment…it’s gotta be hard when you want to be so happy for her (and you really are), but you’re still mourning (that may not be the right word, but then again, it might be).

    I can’t wait to hear about the wedding…

  2. You, a wimp?? Never! I’m sorry about the wait. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I hope that referral comes in soon.

  3. Oh, sweetie, I know about those meltdowns. 😦 I wish it wasn’t so hard for you. The wait is terrible. 😦

    And I’m so sorry about your sister’s ultrasound. I admire you so much for having the strength to even go. Wow. You amaze me, girl!

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. Always there for you. ((HUGS))

  4. I could be wrong, but I don’t think you’re finding it difficult to be happy for Deb at all..not one bit. As much as you love that girl, you’re anticipating the next little baby Z just as much as the rest of us(more photography material). My guess is that the doctors office panic attack was based solely upon your own experiences of loss. Not hearing that heartbeat flipped your switch. I’ll wager that the doc appointments (if you choose to attend) will become easier the further along she is. Love you..bunches. I know that this wait is kicking your rear and that you’re gonna have your bad days..but the reward is going to be super sweet.

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