Life Transition

I decided to update and spruse up the blog some.  Hope it looks good at your end!  I will add more things as I have time.  I want to add a review of my agency and a link to them as well.  So watch for that 🙂

The other night, as I was rocking Vera to sleep I couldn’t help but think how life has changed so much.  As many of you know, I spent a good chunk of the last 6 years trying to get to the mommy side of the hill (if you’re interested, check out the link in the menu above).  It’s funny how once you get here, you forget a lot about how life was before.  As a single mom, I think back on how life was before I left for Russia on September 21, 2011.  Since I had no husband or boyfriend, I obviously had a good amount of alone time.  But what did I DO in that alone time?  Well, I most definitely watched WAY too much TV.  I probably drank too much wine and quite possibly, I napped more than humanly necessary.  I mean without a little one to entertain, care for, laugh and play with…..  Why not right?  But honestly, I don’t remember it being boring but it sure sounds like it when I think back.

Nonetheless, when I got on the plane that morning on September 21, 2011, I knew upon returning, life would be different.  Very different.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was a little scared.  I was scared of the unknown and doing it on my own.  My biggest fear/worry was about bonding.   Well I also worried about the LONG plan ride home too, but bonding took the majority of my worry time.  I was prepared to be worried that she would go and sit with everyone and anyone.  I was prepared that the bonding would take time and probably some tears at my end.  I was prepared to tell friends and family to back off and let me do all the caring of my daughter.  I was prepared to lock myself up in the house for 6 weeks just me and her.  I was prepared to be exhausted because she didn’t want to sleep and was scared of her new surroundings.  I was prepared to deal with temper tantrums and a child who didn’t understand or trust love.

My first trip to Russia I got to spend 4 days (visiting two times per day) with Vera.  When I left, Vera never left my heart and thoughts.  But, for Vera, when I left, life returned to normal and time crept by.  11 weeks went by.  When I returned to her on Friday September 23rd, she did not remember me.  I will never forget the big tears that welled up in her eyes when they walked her to me.  I fought back my own tears.  She was scared that day.  (I know this because she makes that face now when she is scared.)  Minutes went by and she and I wandered off to play and get reaquainted.  She relaxed and our one visit that day was over.  The next two days when I saw her, her face lit up when I walked in.  She cried when I left and it was sad, but my heart smiled.  Court was two days (MON/TUES).  At the time the waiting period was only 10 days.  I was lucky enough that the judge decided to waive the waiting period.  On Wednesday I was back at the orphaphage to take custody of her forever.  My translator had told me earlier, “Tracey, I see parents come for children here before.  Many times.  But Vera, she loves you.  Believe this when I say, I can see her look at you and I see it in her eyes.  She knows you are her mother.  It is beautiful for me to see.  Thank you for loving her”.    The hand off was quick and we walked out.  We walked hand in hand out of that old rickety house or building as they call it but it was really a house.  A cramped house.  Vera shed no tears and she never looked back.  She cried when we climbed in the van, but soon she laid on my chest and the tears stopped.  We were at the airport to fly to Moscow.  She trusted me and I could tell.

Anyway, from that moment on, Vera has always just wanted me and never wandered to strangers.  Two days in Moscow went by and soon it was time to leave Russia.  Vera sat quiety and snuggled the ENTIRE plane ride from Moscow to Houston.  Then again Houston to San Jose.  Vera has never had sleep issues (she has slept solid and in her bed from day 1 and has never rocked herself).  She had no tantrums or anger issues.  She never went to others for food and still prefers me to feed her and give her food.  She comes to me for kisses when she falls.  And freely gives her momma hugs and kisses and “I wha you’s” (Vera for I love you).

Vera is a momma’s girl through and through.  She keeps me busy and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The transition in life for me has been easy and rewarding.  I do have days where I am pooped from a long day and count down the minutes to 8:30.  I have days when I put her down for a nap, I run to the sofa put the TV on and doze off in front of it myself.  There are times when I need a pedicure but can’t just run to get one because it’s just me.  No hubby to leave her really quick with.  Quick solo runs require planning and driving.  I have get her to my sisters or my moms.  But motherhood has been exactly what I was expecting and more.  For me, my love for Vera was intense immediately.  I know for some it is not.

I think part of the reason it went so well was because it was and is just Vera and I.  I also believe that she trusted me right away and that helped too.  Maybe Trust is Love?  More than likely trust leads to love.  I don’t know when it happened, I can’t quite put my finger on a day or a time or a place, but I know that Vera loves me now.

I know this post is sort of rambling, but as 8 months home and almost 1 year since her referral and meeting Vera creep up, I wanted to blog my thoughts while they were in my mind.  I hope that one day Vera will read this and know how much I love her and how important she is to me.

Needless to say, Life is great!  We are blessed and happy.  The past 8 months have  been amazing!  This beautiful little girl changed me in every way.  She has made me a mother, a better person and she changed my soul and my outlook on life.  My darling daughter, Momma loves you….


3 thoughts on “Life Transition

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