Well Hello There

I think that was the longest blogging break in the history of this blog that I have ever taken!  But, it was needed.  I feel terrible that I have not commented or been dedicated in reading everyone’s blog.   But I know you all understand that sometimes, you just can’t.  And for a while there I just couldn’t. 

What’s that, you are wondering what have I been up to the past 6 weeks????  Well, on top of healing my heart and finding my smile…. I have been working.  A Lot.  This is our busy season at work so the days are filled with quoting and preparing for client Open Enrollments and meetings.  My little business is keeping me a  bit busy when I am not at work.  WHICH IS AWESOME.  I mean not like so busy I have enough money already for adoption.. but busy enough where my little saving envelope has some green in it   Believe me it is NOTHING impressive really, but it is a step in the right direction….  Oh and I took the link to my photography business off the last post… I figured some poor soul who was googling searching for my company name or website would probably prefer NOT being directed to my personal blog and reading about the utter crappiness of my fertility challenges.  I know I would prefer them being blind to that part of my life.  If anyone needs it… here it is in a specialized crypted format  obviously www then a dot then the letters T and an M and then the word photography spelled with an F not a PH (no space between any of these letters) and then a dot com.  WHEW..  I think I dodged all ability to trace … no???

My 36th birthday is a few weeks away.  For some reason I feel like 36 is a big one.. to me it is sort of a milestone.  Maybe because in my head I vividly remember my mom being 36 and when she was 36 I remember believing she was a grown up and “getting old”.  I don’t feel at all like a grown up …  I do see myself aging a bit.  I think the years in the sun are catching up to me… I see a few deep wrinkles in my forehead and around my lips.  When I look in the mirror and zoom in and focus on them… it is almost as if I am not seeing myself.. like they belong to this other person.  Then I pull back and look at the full frame and sure enough, that is me and they are mine.   Oh well.  SOOOO instead of doing the usual birthday routine, I am going to Houston to spend the weekend with friends!  I CAN NOT WAIT!  I think it will be the perfect way to spend turning 36  

On the adoption front…. well I have decided on a country, an agency and a place that will do my homestudy.  I have a pile of paperwork  to get thru.  I have 4 letters of reference being written.  After the new year I plan on getting the ball rolling.  I just really felt like I needed a break.  I needed to be worry free….

Thanks for checking in!

Back to Square One

I don’t quite know how or where to start.  Guess I will start where I left off at “quiet”.

In my last post I went quiet because I hoped that by doing so I wouldn’t jinx myself.  How foolish of me to think that I had some sort of control over everything.  On this last cycle, Debbie tested on Friday, 14dpo.. she said it was blank.  No pink lines and she didn’t understand because she felt odd.   We figured her period would start the next day.  Sat and Sunday passed and still no period and Debbie still was not feeling right.  Then on Monday she stillhad no period.  So we tested at work and there was a line.  Not dark but there.  For 17dpo your gut says it should be much darker than that.  But hope always speaks louder than your gut.  The days passed and that line got darker and my hopes went up.  It was decided that no beta would be done.. we would play the naive fertile game.  You know the one where you POAS, get a positive and 9 months later a baby arrives to light up your life.  I guess I also thought my secretiveness would somehow prevent any heartache if the shoe dropped.  That somehow, I would sneak by unnoticed and get a happy ending…. the ending I have been searching for over the last 3 years.  I also thought the odds were in my favor; because seriously, could my bad luck be that bad???  I hoped it would all work out and that at 6 weeks I would pop back on and show you an ultrasound of a growing embryo.  A week went by and the following Monday at 4:30pm Debbie started spotting…. The bad luck found me and now it was bringing my sister into my hell. 

That night I cried.  A lot.  Over the following days I did a lot of soul searching.  I realized that I couldn’t do this to my sister anymore.  The pain of losing another pregnancy hurts her too; emotionally, mentally and physically.  I am not quite sure why I have this bad karma chasing me… I’m a good person.  I have broken a few rules in my life, but nothing to hurt anyone.  I have never been arrested, I have never stolen (I mean really, does the $40 I stole out of my dads money stash when I was 14 years old so I could by a Madonna T Shirt at her concert count that much????)

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom.  At 35 years old there is nothing I want more than that.  My heart cannot take another failure.  I feel like another failure will break me for sure.  I want to heal.  I want to get somewhere.  Emotionally I am drained.  Financially I am dry.  I can’t afford to keep pouring money into a possibility.  The past 3 years have been very hard for me.  But somehow, after each failure I found strength to keep going.  I never lost hope that I would be a mother.  I still believe that I will be a mother.  I still have hope that there is a happy ending out there for me.  In February 2006 when my journey started (I didn’t start my blog until July 2006) I had a plan to journey towards motherhood via International Adoption.  In March I got off that track after a friend suggested I TTC via artificial insemination.  I took her suggestion thinking it would be easier (and cheaper).  Guess it wasn’t.  Over the years my goal has always been motherhood.  I used to think I was “addicted” to TTC.  Sometimes family members even told me that they thought I was.  But I realized this week that I wasn’t addicted to anything.  In actuality, HOPE is what kept me trying.. I always had HOPE that the odds shift and I would win. 

I still plan on winning.  No way I am giving up on my dream.  But after much thought and a lot of soul searching I have decided I am going back to where I started.  International Adoption.  I don’t think it will be easy.  I know it will not be cheap.  So I have decided to give up my Saturday class and get a 2nd job.  I also started a website in hopes of maybe taking portraits on the side for extra money.  ( I have take the link to the website out in order to prevent a search and some person finds this as a match to their search for my website.  If you want or need it for some reason, leave me a comment and I will give it to ya)   Anyway, I am not going to let something like the money aspect stand in my way.  If I have to work 20 more hours a week, I will.  If I have to spend the hours after my second job editing and uploading pictures I will.  If I could do a fundraiser I would … I don’t even know how to begin that one. 

So, I am researching and researching.  If anyone has a book recommendation or blog suggestions.. PLEASE leave a comment.  It would be much appreciated.  Thank you guys so much for always being there to hug me and hold me up.

It’s quiet

Nothing to say right now… I’m okay.  I don’t want anyone worrying so I thought I would just post this really quick.  I know you all know how it is.. That is me tonight.  Maybe in a day or two it will be different.  I am asking for one thing.  Keep me in your thoughts until the words find me…..  pretty please.

Look Out Weekend….

Remember that song…  “I work hard… I day dream.. about what my weekends gonna be” (insert cool laser sounds).  Back in my teenage years, that was the song we would listen to on Friday afternoon after school got out as we left the school parking lot!  We played it loud on my crappy stereo with the windows rolled down and the top off of  my Suzuki Samuri!  I was way into that latin freestyle music.  I think that was what we used to call it…. Anyway, I still do love it.  I have a whole CD dedicated to it in my car and I just might roll the windows down and blast my music really loud after I get off work today. 

Well I can pretty much GUESS how my weekend is gonna be…  This weekend will be 8 and 9 DPO.  Right about the time you get ants in your pants and you want to ask your sister every 15 minutes how she is feeling and if there is anything you can do for her.  It is during this same time that you want to go to the store and buy some HPT’s but you don’t want to go to the store and buy HPT’s cuz the thought of her peeing on one in a few days and it being negative is just too much for you to think about and you really need to be concentrating on the regions of the body, the organs in those regions, how to identify different types of connective tissue under a freaking microscope and shit. 

UGH.. yeah that is my weekend. Who’s Jealous??

I just cleaned up my blog roll a  bit.  It seems so small now and definatley lonely.  If you would like me to put a link to your blog on my site, leave me a comment and I will do so… I was amazed at how many people transitioned from one heading to the next.

Three Day Weekends

I love three day weekends… Not only is it great to be away from work for an extra day, they usually also end up involving some sort of fun.  As I mentioned last week, my Saturdays from now til December will be spent in Anatomy.  The first day actually went by quick.  The class was good.  There was a bit of information overload.  But, I don’t mind.  I spent all yesterday creating note cards, rewriting notes for lecture in one book and notes for lab in a separate book.  This week I will continue reading and flash carding in addition to studying cell and tissue slides.   After school I picked up the kids and brought them to my house so Debbie and John could have a date night.  The kids were good and we had fun.  Sunday we played and played and I told Deb that they could spend the night one more night.  She agreed (and was ecstatic). 

Yesterday she picked them up early in the morning at about 9am and I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon studying.  At 4 I headed over to my friend Julie’s house.  She was having a BBQ with her family (hubby and kids) and invited myself and Debbie and family over.  Julie lives across the street from Debbie.  The food was GREAT and I ate WAY too much.  This morning, my stomach still feels full. 

And now, the update for Project Baby.  On Friday we headed to the Dr.’s office for the 10am appt.  Not sure I mentioned it, but Dr. T moved offices.  Just down the street from where she was previously.  This new office is so much nicer than the last.  It is bright and medical looking and just a happier office.  So, back to the appt.  With the exception of the intern not being able to get the blood pressure machine to work (I think she was nervous) everything went smoothly.  Once the medical assistant from the other doctor who shares the office with Dr. T helped her, the BP machine got the reading it needed and off we were to the room.  Dr. T came in and got prepped.  She got everything set up and ready to go in record time and without causing Debbie any pain!  The last IUI was one for record books.  The spermies went in, just a little cramping upon injection and that was it!  I was like.. wow she is done already and Debbie was over the moon that there wasn’t torture like pain involved.

The sample was from a new donor.  The sample was very good.  But, that means squat at the end of the day.  What matters is if one of those millions of sperm will meet up and make a connection with one of those eggs.  I sure hope that they do….

CD13 Act 3

Debbie triggered last night.  That means tomorrow morning, the IUI takes place.  Sperm has arrived and is ready to go… 

In other news, school starts for me on Sat.  This semester I am taking Human Anatomy on Saturdays.  I have lecture from 8-12 and then a lab from 1-5.  I was going to take a math class on Tues and Thursday evenings.  I changed my mind at the last minute.  Sept thru January is my busy season at work.  If I want to keep my clients and boss (and myself) happy with my work performance, I need to stay focused and organized.  That sometimes means working late into the evenings.  If I want to get an A in Human Anatomy, I need to focus and study.  There is only so much time to do that when I will be working longer hours during the week.  So, I dropped the math class.  There is always next semester.

Alright.. I must get to getting ready for work.

CD 11- Act 3

We made our 4:15 appt at 4:20… We were just a bit late because we couldn’t remember the suite number (Doc moved offices and this one is MUCH nicer than her last!)… After arriving a bit late, we didn’t get seen ’til 5.  Oh well…  Long story short (today has been a long day) we have 3 follies on the left.  One at 19, one at 18 and then one at 14.  The right side is quiet.  The plan is to trigger tomorrow evening at 10pm and IUI on Friday at 10am.  EEK..  lets do this

CD 10

Today is CD 10.  The docs office called to reschedule the CD11 scan.. it was a bit frustrating.  Mostly because I end up feeling bad over things like that.. I mean who wouldn’t?  Debbie coordinates her schedule and then bam at the last minute they call with a change.  Somehow I take it as my fault.  It ended up working out and I will make Debbie go with me to a meeting in Menlo Park and then we will swing by the docs office after the appt. 

Hopefully the scan will be fine, and there will be follies waiting and ready for spermies. 

Promise to update tomorrow evening since the scan isn’t even until 4:15…

Back in the game!

Well howdy doo… Debbie started her period a little early.  It started on Sat.  So, that makes today CD3.  That means Round 3 was officially underway as she swallowed her first clomid pill.  Can I tell you how HAPPY that makes me!!??  So, CD12 will be ultrasound day and that falls on a Wednesday.  If all goes well, IUI will be on Friday September 4th. 

ALL prayers, good thoughts, positive vibes and ultra sticky dust gladly accepted!

How YOU Doing?

Well me, I am doing MUCH better than I was last week.  Last week I was on the edge.  I was on the edge every.single.day and every.single.moment.  Tears were never more than a blink away.  That burn was always right there waiting to break through.  I managed to keep the tears to myself most of the week.  Friday they fell.  Uncontrollable.  I was at the end of my hope chain.  Then, a dear friend picked me up and reminded me that I am not alone. 

This week I am much better.  I do have minor moments of irritation.  But not sadness.  For example, I am irritated that each time I click on P*eople.com or U*Smagazine.com, that there is a new friggin article about this celebrity pregnant and that celebrity pregnant.  I am also irritated that K*loe K*ardashian’s pregnancy is for some reason such big and interesting news..  really??  People find her interesting??  Don’t get me wrong.. I have partaken in watching the train-wreck that is their reality show.. but I don’t get why her pregnancy is such big news.  I do however have to say that I did not get irritated when it came to Celine Dion’s pregnancy news…  I sense IF struggles with her and her admission to using IVF makes me happy… 

Besides that, not much going on.  I have seriously started dieting and working to get these extra IF pounds that have found their way on my hips, thighs, face, arms, stomach..  UGH.. I finally have had enough.  Bye Bye Fat.  Oh and tonight.. tonight I am chopping off my hair.  I was growing it out and at this point, I am done.  I just don’t do long hair well.  My hair ends up being in a ponytail 99% of the time.  So tonight, it will be colored, highlighted and cut off.  I can’t wait.  I feel a new happy me trying to get to the surface and by golly.. I am opening the doors and letting it out!